You've all heard the expression "hanging on by a thread", right? Or you've seen the movie where these guys are hanging on a rope, trying to get away from the bad guys, and the bad guys on the other end, start to cut the rope...and they get down to the last "thread"? Then that little thread starts to fray away, and unwind itself, and then POOF, it snaps?
Well, I'm waiting for my rope to snap. I feel like a million tons of weight on this one little thread...and I can literally FEEL it weigh me down, and pull tighter, and I'm just waiting for the day that this rope of mine frays and snaps. Not kidding...
I can't tell you how EMOTIONAL I've been lately, or how fragile I've been. Yeah, fragile is a good word....I mean, I watch a friggin' commercial, and I'm teary-eyed.
You know about the cancer thing with my step-dad. If you don't, you do now. Well, it's not an easy road. And we knew this. And I've even TALKED about it...and how we knew it wasn't going to be an easy road, but one we would have to travel down. But that doesn't mean I'm any less aware of the road we're on. I mean, it's not EASY. Especially being that I'm going through this again...once with my father...and now with my Step-Dad? WTF.
So, because I'm a girl, and a bit of an emotional-cutter, I think about ME. Yes, I know, I should be thinking about how Mark is doing (and I am - ALL THE TIME). But every time something happens with Mark, I automatically go to the whole father/daughter step-dad/daughter thing, and how it's just not FAIR. Do I get to have that fabled father/daughter dance? No, I know, I'm not engaged...and it's not even like it's anywhere down this road for me right now, but I'm a woman, damnit!. All little GIRLS dream of their wedding since they were little, and they weren't engaged yet! Why is it so wrong of me to immediately think of the father/daughter dance??
Here I sit, writing this ridiculously rambling blog post that nobody will ever read, feeling sorry for myself. Healthy, right? Not only am I here alone (physically), but mentally as well. I don't think there's one person I know that can identify with the situation that I'm in. Really, I don't think anyone can. Not to mention, this boyfriend of mine, KNOWS that I've been perpetually sad for the past week, and he sleeps...a deep slumber that I have YET to reach. I haven't been sleeping since Saturday. I literally lay awake at night and think of this. All. Night.
Now I can't help but think back to my last downward spiral...and for those of you that know me...I mean REALLY know me...know that it pretty much ruined about 3 years of my life. No progress, only self-pity, and destruction. For those of you that DON'T know me, already know that this "downward spiral" that I reference CAN'T be good, because of the adjectives I chose to describe it. Oh, and I should mention that it isn't drugs. *insert huge sigh of relief here*. I promise you, you guys, it's not drugs. Never touched the stuff.
Well, whatever, because I can feel myself slipping down that little path again. And at first, it'll seem harmless, but I know that it'll end up costing me relationships, friendships, and family...which isn't good either.
But back to the topic at hand...my thread-hanging self. I need to find an outlet. And maybe I'm already using it...this little blog of mine. Maybe I've already found the outlet to use to get my feelings out (that nobody wants to hear about anyway - boyfriend/mother included - sorry guys). But they have enough on their plates, right? I mean, my mother certainly does, but what's the boyfriend's excuse?
Oh whatever. This, this little blog of mine...YOU shall be my outlet. I'm almost half-tempted to re-brand you something with a better name....hmmmm.....
Labels: cancer, emotional, fragile, Greg, Mark, Mom and Mark