Answers and Peace...

Shortly after my Step-Dad passed away on September 9th, 2013, I got to thinking...of all of those things I wish I could have told him...apologized for...begged for forgiveness...asked for permission...and expressed.  I'm sure that I'm not the only one who wishes this for the people in their lives that have passed.  I know I felt that way with my father.  So why would a Step-Dad be any different?  *For those of you that don't know, Mark was diagnosed with cancer in October of 2012...and passed in September 2013.  Less than a year after diagnosis. 

I wanted to be able to tell him how much I loved him, how much I would miss him, that I was sorry that we couldn't go to St. Louis to see what he wanted to see, that I wish we could have made time this summer to go crabbing, and that I was truly sorry for the way I moved out of the house.  

I wanted to ask if he was proud of me, despite the screw-ups I had over the years...and I wanted to ask him if he accepted Greg as his friend, possibly a son-in-law (no Mom, we're not engaged).  I wanted to know that he knew that I was happy.  I wanted him to know that I would help Mom in anyway that I could, and that I would always be there to support her.  Because we're pretty much inseparable.  For anyone that knows the relationship that I have with my Mother, it's pretty much unbreakable.  Love you, Mom.

But I think that most of all, I wanted to know that he was at peace, no longer in pain, and cancer-free.  I needed to know that he was happy - fishing, camping, and playing with the dogs that have gone before us.  I wanted to know if he had met Tim McGill at the pearly gates, and that they found peace in each other.  

Then on Friday night (10/4)...after having spoken of Mark for the better part of the day/afternoon/evening, I had a dream.  That Mark came to visit me and Mom at the house...he pulled up in a slate blue pick-up truck, came to the door, and walked right on in.  Mom and I were shocked beyond belief, but the first thing he said to me (that I remember) was that he was more than proud of me, and my accomplishments.  He said other things to me (unfortunately I don't remember too many details), but I remember being happy and at peace.  He then turned to Mom, told her he loved her (and always will), and that he was cancer-free, in a safe place, and he took comfort in knowing that Mom and I would take care of each other no matter what.  When he left the house, he drove away, and the pick-up truck disappeared into the distance. 

When I woke up on Saturday morning (10/5), I remembered that he said he was proud, and I couldn't remember anything else he told me, but I took great peace and comfort that any questions that I had were answered.  I may not have known the exact answers that he had for me, but I was at peace, and I had no more unanswered questions. 

I kept this dream to myself until I saw my Mother on Saturday morning (I didn't even tell Greg - sorry babe).  When I told my mother of this dream that I had...I couldn't stop crying.  It wasn't a sad was a happy cry.  I had never had this type of spiritual interaction with anyone that has passed (not even my father).  I was grateful that he had chosen me to be the recipient of this dream and contact, and was grateful that he gave me the memory to tell my Mom.  I typically don't remember my dreams, so this was huge...

I love you Mark, and I miss you more each day.  I know the pain that we feel for you leaving this earth will never go away...but I also take comfort in the fact that you are at peace, in no more pain, and cancer-free.  You beat cancer...maybe not in the way we all expected, but you did beat it.  I love you always...

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