Shortly after my Step-Dad passed away on September 9th, 2013, I got to thinking...of all of those things I wish I could have told him...apologized for...begged for forgiveness...asked for permission...and expressed. I'm sure that I'm not the only one who wishes this for the people in their lives that have passed. I know I felt that way with my father. So why would a Step-Dad be any different? *For those of you that don't know, Mark was diagnosed with cancer in October of 2012...and passed in September 2013. Less than a year after diagnosis.
I wanted to be able to tell him how much I loved him, how much I would miss him, that I was sorry that we couldn't go to St. Louis to see what he wanted to see, that I wish we could have made time this summer to go crabbing, and that I was truly sorry for the way I moved out of the house.
I wanted to ask if he was proud of me, despite the screw-ups I had over the years...and I wanted to ask him if he accepted Greg as his friend, possibly a son-in-law (no Mom, we're not engaged). I wanted to know that he knew that I was happy. I wanted him to know that I would help Mom in anyway that I could, and that I would always be there to support her. Because we're pretty much inseparable. For anyone that knows the relationship that I have with my Mother, it's pretty much unbreakable. Love you, Mom.
But I think that most of all, I wanted to know that he was at peace, no longer in pain, and cancer-free. I needed to know that he was happy - fishing, camping, and playing with the dogs that have gone before us. I wanted to know if he had met Tim McGill at the pearly gates, and that they found peace in each other.
Then on Friday night (10/4)...after having spoken of Mark for the better part of the day/afternoon/evening, I had a dream. That Mark came to visit me and Mom at the house...he pulled up in a slate blue pick-up truck, came to the door, and walked right on in. Mom and I were shocked beyond belief, but the first thing he said to me (that I remember) was that he was more than proud of me, and my accomplishments. He said other things to me (unfortunately I don't remember too many details), but I remember being happy and at peace. He then turned to Mom, told her he loved her (and always will), and that he was cancer-free, in a safe place, and he took comfort in knowing that Mom and I would take care of each other no matter what. When he left the house, he drove away, and the pick-up truck disappeared into the distance.
When I woke up on Saturday morning (10/5), I remembered that he said he was proud, and I couldn't remember anything else he told me, but I took great peace and comfort that any questions that I had were answered. I may not have known the exact answers that he had for me, but I was at peace, and I had no more unanswered questions.
I kept this dream to myself until I saw my Mother on Saturday morning (I didn't even tell Greg - sorry babe). When I told my mother of this dream that I had...I couldn't stop crying. It wasn't a sad cry...it was a happy cry. I had never had this type of spiritual interaction with anyone that has passed (not even my father). I was grateful that he had chosen me to be the recipient of this dream and contact, and was grateful that he gave me the memory to tell my Mom. I typically don't remember my dreams, so this was huge...
I love you Mark, and I miss you more each day. I know the pain that we feel for you leaving this earth will never go away...but I also take comfort in the fact that you are at peace, in no more pain, and cancer-free. You beat cancer...maybe not in the way we all expected, but you did beat it. I love you always...
Labels: cancer, dreams, Mark, Mom